June 2010
5 posts
Out of Gas 6
The ape stares at the unicorn with an angry look. The piercing stench of anchovies begins to annoy the ape.
“That’s odd it worked this morning,” says the unicorn.
“Listen man,” says the ape. I think you better take your stinky fish wings and fly the fuck on outta here.”
Out of Gas 5
The unicorn spits the credit card out of his mouth, kept lodged between his teeth like a prison razorblade. The ape hands the unicorn a pack of Marlboro Lights. The ape swipes the credit card through the machine. The digital read-out reads “PROCESSING,” then shortly thereafter, “DENIED.”
“Sorry, no good.”
Out of Gas 4
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” he smiles to himself, as he types away feverishly.
The ape behind the counter gives the unicorn a disdainful look.
“I don’t see any pockets on you,” he shrieks at the unicorn. “You got any cash on you?”
“No,” says the unicorn. “But I have credit card.”
Out of Gas 3
“Okay,” he said to himself. “I have no life experiences to draw from. I guess I’ll just have to make everything up.” He began to type:
A winged unicorn with anchovies for feathers walks into a convenience store and asks the ape behind the counter for a pack of cigarettes.
Out of Gas 2
“Write what you know,” he thought to himself. He ran his hands through his hair with frustration and pounded his fist on the table. “Think, think! Write what you know,” he kept telling himself. At that moment it had dawned on him. He hadn’t lead much of an interesting life.
Out of Gas
He turned the key over and over and tried to get the engine started again. Nothing happened. He got out and walked the rest of the way home. Later on that evening, he sat in front of his computer screen struggling over the blank document page in front of him.
Five Second Rule
The potato chips crunched in her mouth as she chewed and swallowed. She reached into the bag and grabbed another handful, but a few chips fell to the ground as she stuffed her mouthful. She looked to her left. Looked to her right. Then she picked them up and ate them.
May 2010
20 posts
Bragging Drunks
“Last night I projectile-vomited for about 10 minutes in the middle of the street, before driving everyone to Taco Bell. Beat that!”
“That’s pretty good! I’m going to try to get so drunk tonight that I get beaten half to death by cops. Then, we’ll see who’s the bigger drunk!”
Alcoholic Love Affair
The drowsy hungover couple held hands on the grass as the clouds turned a bright pink from the sunrise. The boy said, “Don’t you think there is something romantic about waking up in your best friend’s yard with a vodka bottle for a pillow and your shoes in your hand?”
I’ll Stay For Just One Beer
He sat at the bar drunker than he had felt in a really long time. The roar of the jukebox and loud conversation thrashed around in his head like the currents of a toilet bowl flush. “Shit,” he said looking at his watch. “Looks like I’m missing class again tomorrow.”
fuckshitcockcunt
“Let’s do a quick word association,” said the psychiatrist. “Fuck.”
“Happiness.”
“Shit.”
“Butterflies.”
“Cock.”
“Love.”
“Cunt.”
“Teddy Bears.”
The patient stared up from the couch smiling as the psychiatrist soberly looked down at his notepad, scratching away with his pen.
“Well,” the psychiatrist said, removing his glasses. “You’re finally cured.”
Cunt
Kimmy and Angela crossed their fingers tightly as Phil dialed the number of the local radio station. Tension grew with each anxious ring of the telephone. Finally, a click, and a voice broke through:
“Congratulations, you’re the ninth caller to WKJR, which means you win three free Jonas Brothers tickets!”
Cock
“But I don’t understand,” cried the trembling old man.
“Trust me,” said the angel, before fluttering back to heaven.
The old man returned to the hospital and poured the magic elixir over his wife’s dying body, as the angel had instructed.
The next morning, he couldn’t believe it. She was cured.
Shit
Brad’s father was an intimidating and angry hulk of man. The two sat in a boat, in the middle of lake Michigan with fishing poles, as Brad fretted over how to break the news to his father.
“Dad,” he began. “I’m gay.”
Unexpectedly, the father hugged him, “I love you no matter what, son.”
Fuck
The little puppy whimpered in front of the door, waiting for her owners to return home. Suddenly, the lock began jiggling wildly. The puppy perked up its ears and its tail wagged rapidly. A man entered through the door and the puppy jumped up to greet him on its hind legs.
How to Write a 50-Word Story
He typed a little bit and had eight words. Typed a little more and had sixteen.
“Not quite there yet,” he thought to himself.
He continued to type and type, until he was halfway there.
“Needs an ending,” he said thinking aloud.
Suddenly and without warning he spontaneously combusted.
Finished.
One-Eyed Willie
The sharp corner of the metal aisle at the grocery store shoved right into his eye socket, tearing through flesh, cracking fragments of skull, and sending blood gushing everywhere as gravity pulled him face first into it. He wished he had noticed the “wet floor” sign, but it was too late.
Insomnia
One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep, five sheep, six sheep, seven sheep, eight sheep, nine sheep, ten sheep, eleven sheep, twelve sheep, thirteen sheep, fourteen sheep, fifteen sheep, sixteen sheep, seventeen sheep, eighteen sheep, nineteen sheep, twenty sheep, twenty-one sheep, twenty-two sheep, twenty-three sheep….Zzzzzzzzzzzz……
Revenge is a Dish Best Served with Diapers
Before he was able to pack up all his things from the apartment, she noticed an opened box of condoms in his sock drawer. They had long stopped using them. She pricked every single packet in the box with a thin safety pin.
“That’ll show him for cheating on me with that slut.”
A Life Summed Up in a Single Sentence
He was born, learned to walk, learned to talk, went to school, went to work, met a girl, got married, bought a house, had one kid then he had a second one, lost his job but got another, the kids grew up and left home, he retired, caught cancer, and died.
Abstract Expressionist Climax Part 2
The janitor at the MOMA in New York City hated life. He didn’t mind washing windows, sweeping floors, or even scrubbing toilets. What he disliked most about his job was mopping up the gallons of semen that covered the floors of the Jackson Pollack wing of the museum’s permanent collection.
Mentally Retarded
She stared hard at Jackson Pollack’s seminal painting, No. 5, 1948, with a bewildered look on her face. Her jaw slackened, and the drool flowed freely. She wore a bright red crash helmet. “I don’t understand this thing at all,” she thought. “Whoever made this painting has no talent.”
God’s Gift to the World
God’s glow was blinding to the naked eye as he sat in his heavenly throne with angelic ethereal figures circling around him like planets orbiting the sun. He directed all his energies toward Earth to the hand of Jackson Pollack, who smoked a cigarette as he let paint drip onto the canvas.
Genius Jealous
Albert Einstein sat in his rocking chair in the twilight years of his life. “It’s a funny thing,” he contemplated. “Even with everything that I’ve ever achieved, I’ll never be half as great as Jackson Pollack. The man could spill some fucking paint on a canvas like no one else.”
Abstract Expressionist Climax
He was cultured, sophisticated, and intelligent. He stood enraptured in the Jackson Pollack room of the New York Museum of Modern Art’s permanent collection. “WHAT TALENT!” he gasped, as he a achieved orgasm through sheer stimulation of his visual senses. Afterwards he had to change into another pair of pants.
April 2010
10 posts
Text Message Courtship
“i had fun last night :)” Melissa texted Brian.
An hour passed before Brian responded: “Me too.”
“what are you doing tonight?” she replied immediately.
Two hours went by with no response. Melissa grew nervous. “He probably hates me,” she thought.
Suddenly her phone vibrated.
From Brian: “Wanna grab a drink?”
Hasta La Vista, Baby
Alan shuffled through his DVD collection, looking for something he and Cynthia had never seen before. He held up a copy of Terminator 2 for her, “How about this?”
“What’s that about?”
“It’s about a robot that travels back in time to save this kid’s life.”
“That sounds really stupid.”
Leprosy
They cuddled sweaty and naked underneath the sheets — post-coital bliss — until she noticed Max trembling in discomfort.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I have a disease I didn’t tell you about before we did this.”
Monica gasped.
A trail of blood ran from her genitals to where Max’s penis once was.
Sausage Fest
The guy to girl ratio was abysmal at the bar. Two drunken men desperately flirted with the same married woman. Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe, in a Saudi bar, there was no alcohol and no women. Abdul puffed contentedly on his hookah, dreaming of his burka covered fiance.
Cyber Bullying
jim: your one of the coolest girls ive ever known
jim: why would you think anyyone hates you
jim: seriously
jim: your too hard on yourself
karen: thanx that really means a lot to me :)
jim: it’s hard to convey sarcasm online
jim: stupid bitch
— user karen has logged off —
Pickup FAIL
He dressed impeccably from head to toe: suit pressed, shoes shined, hair freshly cut; even his eyebrows tweezed. He knew, as he made his way across the bar toward Linda, that every girl in the room wanted to fuck him. But the only thing Linda noticed was his unzipped fly.
Not in the Mood
“I’m not a machine,” Helen thought to herself.
The couple lay in bed together on their sides, Frank facing Helen’s backside. Frank tugged on her shoulder again, this time rolling her onto her back. He went in to kiss her, but she pretended to sleep.
“Twice in one night is enough.”
Gone in a Flash
You could see the bright blue spec from billions of light years away — unassuming, overshadowed by countless other luminescent objects and fluidly gyrating cosmic phenomena that danced and swirled around it. Suddenly, it silently burst in a bright orange glow, a mere spark from a distance.
The world had exploded. Planet Earth was no more.
Amnesia
The bowling ball fell — THUNK! — right on his head.
It all came rushing back — his first kiss, first orgasm, high school graduation, names and faces of friends, family, and acquaintances — everything leading up to that dreaded car accident.
“My name is Charley,” he said, still slightly dazed. “I remember again.”
War is Hell
“Tell me about the Battle of Midway,” Johnny asked from his father’s lap.
“Well technically, I wasn’t in it. I was part of the clean-up crew that showed up the day after the battle. We were charged with salvaging debris. It was a very essential duty.”
Johnny sighed disappointedly.